" Is it okay for me to keep living?"

DON'T BELIEVE IN SOMEONE EASILY

I shouldn't have believe in someone easily
I thought she is the only one
Who understands me well
But it looks like she doesn't believed in me
She just like everybody else
I feel like I shouldn't believe in someone
No matter what happened
Everything was fake
Even people who are nearest to you will betray you
I know I have no talent
No matter how much I want them to trust me
There is no use
From I was kid
No matter what I am doing
I still couldn't catch my sisters
I wonder why I am so diferent from them
This question had been in my head since I was in primary school
Until now I still haven't got the answer
I have tried a lot of things of my sisters doing
I tried to become like them so that my mom could treat me like the way she treats my sisters
I am such a failure
I know I shouldn't give them burdens anymore
I have tried to end my life
But I am so scared
I feel like if I gone now 
I would miss something big that would happens in my life
I don't know if that big thing is my dream
but the only thing I know is 
I shouldn't miss it
I know this is kind of made up story
But I really do feel this way
Every words shown are come from my true feelings
I am not good in expressing myself that's why my blog is the only place I can take my feelings out

EXISTENCE

Am I really an intruder?
Am I not needed?
Is it better if I don't exist in this world?
Will I able to make you happy if I disappear?
Then I rather be gone
I know that I am not needed 
Since I was a child
I realised that
No matter how good I am
No matter what am I doing
I just can't make you proud
Sorry for being such a bad child
I wish time my time could gone faster
So it will reach the end of life
But no matter how I pushed the time
It will never gone faster
So I have no choice to make you suffer for a bit longer

BRAVE

あたし、頑張りたい。

この夢だけ諦めたくない。

How should I tell them?

My words just can't come out

Everytime when I tried to be brave

At the end

I realised I am not brave enough

Maybe I am a coward

I hate this side of myself

I hope someone can teach me how to be brave

My dreams...

I don't want to let them go away from me

Even though I need to give up this life

I don't want to forget this dream

I wish I could be myself

Am I different from the other people?

I am grateful that I got my STPM failed

Because if I passed it

And manage to enter university

I'm sure

My future will be brighter

but...

Maybe I'm not longer in this world

I love this world

but my dreams way important

I feel like I don't have anything except Cody and my dreams

If I lost both of them

I just couldn't live

They are like my life force

CONTINUED

Looks like I have no choice
I got to make it come true by myself
Maybe its going to be hard
But at least my hard work will be paid off
See,
People always said that "Bitter first sweet later" (I am not sure if I write it correctly)
Some of my relatives asked me "Why don't you just enter polytechnic school or university? If you do that you won't have to face so much difficulty and also will have brighter future."
Well, I just answered them "I don't want." 
Because I know they won't understand even if I explained to them
Now,
Let me ask you guys a simple question
Would you marry someone you don't love and live the rest of your life with him/her?
Dream would be the same
Your dream decides your life 
You have to live the rest of your life with it too
Okay, maybe some of the people doesn't have any dream
That's why they don't understand that kind of feelings
I don't want to regret for giving up my dream
I have tried numerous times to forget my dream
But I really couldn't do it
When I see someone with my dream
My heart feels like burst out
I can't control myself to think of it
Once again 
I am here with my dream
This time I won't let it go
No matter what happened
I will definitely protect it
That's why I called it "Magical".
I just couldn't forget this magical
One day,
I want to be able say to them
"I LOVE MY DREAM SO MUCH AND I AM NOT REGRET FOR HAVING MY DREAM IN THIS LIFE"

MOTIVATION

Start from this moment

I am going to diet!

I want my body shape back

I swear I will get back my weight from the past

My weight is bothering me

I was slim back then 

but as time passes

My weight keeps increasing

I didn't realize that my body becomes bigger

I need to shrink it down 

I want to dress up pretty again

I want to be more confident

I want to lose my weight

I want to burn my fats away

I still have 202 days before Chinese New Year 2017

I am going to tough this time

I will only continue to study pastry course after I get my ideal weight

Motivation! keep by my side!

SOMEONE TO BELIEVE

Now I am 10000% believe in my dream

but I am so afraid

They will force me to forget this dream

I really don't know what my life would be without this dream

I am just an ordinary girl

I don't want to make things difficult

5 years

Its already 5 years since this dream stayed in my heart

I just can't get rid of it 

Before I entered Form 6

They said that I shouldn't take my hobby as a career

That time my heart was completely broken

I kept crying in silent after I heard what they said

I felt like something really important had gone

Then I ask myself 

"Is there any person that I can believe?"

I don't wish that they could understand me

I just need their believe

After that

I thought as the time passes

I could forget about this dream and nightmare

But in the end 

I couldn't

When I saw other people which have the same dream as mine

And they are able to chase after it

My heart once again felt the pain

I started to ask my heart again

"Why I couldn't chase after it!? Why I'm so useless!? Why I couldn't protect my own dream!? Why!? Why!? Why!?"

My heart screamed a lot back then

It feels like I shouldn't live in the world like this

This is not my life!

If only they could believe me

Everything will be perfect

Since that day

I just know that there is no person that I can believe

I'm all alone

Even now I couldn't believe in them

I couldn't tell them I want to keep my dream

I'm so afraid that my heart will lose it soul this time