MISSING

I feel like something is missing from my life
At first I thought it was my dream which is the one missing from my life
But now I am still feeling that way
I couldn't find out what is actually I truly wanted
Something is left out from my heart
I'm sure I'm okay to be alone
I don't need to fall in love with someone else
I'm just okay by my own
but something is not right
What am I seeking for actually
21 years of searching
and now I'm still searching for it
Will I able to find the answer?

PATISSIERE LIFE

I will graduate soon 

Seriously I will be missing this life so much

I promised to myself that one day I will be a world-class patissiere

Because I really love sweets so much

I don't think I can leave the world of sweets ever again

Falling in love with sweets is the most beautiful thing in my life

Whenever I start to bake

I always whisper to my heart that thank god I didn't let go my dream from the start

Although sometimes there are obstacles but I am still loving this dream

And one day I will create my own sweets that can bring happiness to people 

Definitely.

One day.

I believe.

Family

Love these moments

I really love you guys so much

No matter what happens 

Please stay by my side forever

You guys are the only one in my heart

There are lot things I want to say

Sometimes it hard for me to speak out

But I know that FAMILY is the best relationship ever

Let's stay together for forever and never separate

LOVE YOU GUYS

SAFEGUARD

Yesterday
I asked my sister
How much money do humans needed to live?
Why they need so much money in their life although they are not going to finish it?
She answered
As much as you can make
So that they can safeguard their life
I asked again
But they couldn't finish it the rest of the money right?
Still why they are working so hard?
*I have forgotten whether she answered my question
It's different story if they liked their job
But what if for some people who are working just for living
I feel like I don't understand humans at all
Do humans' life is just about working?
I don't know if some people also think the same as me
Or it was just me the one being weird about life

PRECIOUS DREAM

From now on

I will do my best

I won't be shaking anymore
I won't be doubting anymore
I will keep those scared feelings deep inside my heart
Let them into eternal sleep
It's time to look toward future
It's time to take a big step
Remember back the feelings used to have
The path will be open for you
Those feelings that important to you
Keep your heart determined
There won't be any hesitation
Feelings that can't be realized in the past
Now can be realized freely
Feelings that once was closed
Now once again opened freely
Never forget the feelings inside your heart
Precious feelings... 
Never forget...
Never forget...

LACKING

Although I'm reaching my dream
my heart feels heavy 
Is it because I still lacking your support?
How can I make you believe in me?
You told me before
"It is hard for you to live there
You don't know the life there
You won't be able to bear of it."
For me
I don't care about all that
The only reason making me hard to live is
I don't have "Your support"
That's the only thing I need
I don't why but
Supporters making me strong
Whenever they say they support me
My heart is determined
I told to myself
"I will never ever forget and let them down."
I want to make them proud
Maybe one day
One day, the heaviest part of my heart will dropped out.

GO FOR YOUR DREAM

Don't be afraid
Just take your step
Move toward your dream
Ignore everything you have heard and seen
Because that's the only way 
You can keep living in your own way
If it doesn't works
Don't ever ever lose hope
Believe in your heart and tell your heart to bear for a little bit 
As the time flows
Things will slowly change
If it works
Keep believing in your heart 
And
Thanks to your heart for not giving up
As the time flows
Things will slowly change too
But on that time 
Your dream already come true

It's never wrong for having a dream
You just need to make it come true
Because no matter what your dream is
You have the right to protect your own dream
You have the right to have that dream

HUMAN BEING 2

As I thought
I definitely hate human being
I will never like them
Human is too selfish
They just care for themself
They never liked other creatures
I don't even know why human is created by god
If god want they learn
How to love
How to treasure other creatures
Then 
There is no meaning for god to let them learn about those feelings
Wouldn't it better if human don't exist?
Human just exists as a troublemaker 
I really can't help myself from hating them
They are too disappointing
One day
If I could meet god
I would like to ask god
Why human's exist?
Why can't you make them more heartful?
Why they are so hateful?
If there is next life
I hope I will never be a human

STORY

I have a story to tell
It always happened to me when I was sleeping in my mom's room
At first
I thought it was just a dream
So I didn't care so much
But now
I'm still having the same dream
In that dream
I was sleeping in my mom's bed and my sleeping position is the same as how I sleep in reality
Then I woke up (I opened my eyes)
I thought I woke up in reality but it wasn't
I was still in the dream
When I try to get up
My whole body just couldn't move
Even my voice couldn't come out
It felt like my energy is all gone
I was so panic
At the same time
I saw someone was beside the bed and watching me
And it was getting near and nearer to me
I couldn't see the face (I never wished I will see it)
But I can felt it's watching me silently
And I only can see the lower part of the body
The "someone" was all black like a shadow
I am really scared
I'm worried about what the "someone" would do to me
Then I heard the "someone" spoke (like using breath to talk) to my right ear
It was clearly saying a word
But I couldn't remember the word
My heart was pounding so hard 

I want to scream loudly

but it was no use

No matter how hard I screamed
My voice just doesn't came out
Until I really can't take it anymore
Only at that moment 

I can wake up in reality
Opening my eyes widely and my heart pounding hardly

Weird isn't it?

Sometimes I don't really know if it reality or just a dream

I wonder why I kept dreaming about the same dream

ADULTS

あたしは大人が嫌い

I hate adults

When human becomes adult

They just forget anything perious they had went through

They just start to get busy all the time

They're worry about money, housework and so on

How come they could forget something so perious in the past?

About

How they learn to smile

How they learn to cry

How they learn to love

The old times have been forgotten

That's why they couldn't act like the old self

Adults...

Growing up is too painful for me

I'm scared of them

I can't stop myself from becoming an adult

But I swear I will never ever forget my smile and the feelings that I have learnt since I was a kid

HUMAN BEING

Humans don't always get what they desire
Certain humans do think that they can get what they want
Certain humans do not think that they can get what they want
What do humans live for?
How long do I need to search for the answer?
One year...?
Ten years...?
Hundred years...?
I couldn't find the answer
Will I able to find the answer in future?
Or 
The answer doesn't even exists?
Am I qualified for being a human?
I have too many questions about this life
From whom should I seek the answer?
Humans life span
Some are short
Some are long
Some are in the middle
They are the same human being
Why are they do not live the same?
In the end
They are same but yet different

TIRED

I'm tired...

I don't even know what am I supposed to do

I'm so...so...so...tired

MY ANSWER

"I need to be stronger." 

I told myself

It's almost 1 year since I graduated from From 6

My time has stopped since then

I've calmed myself down and think for my dream and future

"Is my dream worth for me to protect?" 

I asked myself to think deeply about this question

I kept asking myself everyday

Until now

Finally I found the answer

Yes

My answer is yes

I want to do it

I just couldn't let go of it

No matter what I do

I just couldn't get rid of it

"Patissiere"

That's the only thing I want to be for the rest of my life

I have prepared for it

STOP MYSELF TO BELIEVE

I wish I know how to stop myself from believing somebody
Just like they said
"You may be deceived if you trust somebody too much."
Somehow,
I feel relieved when people don't trust me
Maybe it mixed with a bit sadness
But that's fine
Because I scared they will be disappointed
No matter what I do
I will end up to disappoint them
I rather not to do anything instead make them feel sad
Like this, I could protect their heart
But if I can be selfish for once more time
I wish they can believe in me just for this time
After that, they can choose not to believe in me ever again
I don't know whether miracle like this can happen in my life pr not
But I hope I can see it happened

*(Every time when I see the sky I feel peaceful, it feels like the sky almost take me with them. I really love that feeling.)*

DREAMS AND LIFE

I wonder how many times my tears fall for my dreams

I told myself before

My dreams are the most important things in my life

If I have given a choice between my life and my dreams

I would not hesitate to choose my dreams over my life

It is because I know that without my dreams I am nothing

I wish I can understand what lives mean

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand human at all

I don't even understand myself

"I don't regret being born."
Will I able to say it in future?

" Is it okay for me to keep living?"

DON'T BELIEVE IN SOMEONE EASILY

I shouldn't have believe in someone easily
I thought she is the only one
Who understands me well
But it looks like she doesn't believed in me
She just like everybody else
I feel like I shouldn't believe in someone
No matter what happened
Everything was fake
Even people who are nearest to you will betray you
I know I have no talent
No matter how much I want them to trust me
There is no use
From I was kid
No matter what I am doing
I still couldn't catch my sisters
I wonder why I am so diferent from them
This question had been in my head since I was in primary school
Until now I still haven't got the answer
I have tried a lot of things of my sisters doing
I tried to become like them so that my mom could treat me like the way she treats my sisters
I am such a failure
I know I shouldn't give them burdens anymore
I have tried to end my life
But I am so scared
I feel like if I gone now 
I would miss something big that would happens in my life
I don't know if that big thing is my dream
but the only thing I know is 
I shouldn't miss it
I know this is kind of made up story
But I really do feel this way
Every words shown are come from my true feelings
I am not good in expressing myself that's why my blog is the only place I can take my feelings out

EXISTENCE

Am I really an intruder?
Am I not needed?
Is it better if I don't exist in this world?
Will I able to make you happy if I disappear?
Then I rather be gone
I know that I am not needed 
Since I was a child
I realised that
No matter how good I am
No matter what am I doing
I just can't make you proud
Sorry for being such a bad child
I wish time my time could gone faster
So it will reach the end of life
But no matter how I pushed the time
It will never gone faster
So I have no choice to make you suffer for a bit longer

BRAVE

あたし、頑張りたい。

この夢だけ諦めたくない。

How should I tell them?

My words just can't come out

Everytime when I tried to be brave

At the end

I realised I am not brave enough

Maybe I am a coward

I hate this side of myself

I hope someone can teach me how to be brave

My dreams...

I don't want to let them go away from me

Even though I need to give up this life

I don't want to forget this dream

I wish I could be myself

Am I different from the other people?

I am grateful that I got my STPM failed

Because if I passed it

And manage to enter university

I'm sure

My future will be brighter

but...

Maybe I'm not longer in this world

I love this world

but my dreams way important

I feel like I don't have anything except Cody and my dreams

If I lost both of them

I just couldn't live

They are like my life force