HUMAN BEING

Humans don't always get what they desire
Certain humans do think that they can get what they want
Certain humans do not think that they can get what they want
What do humans live for?
How long do I need to search for the answer?
One year...?
Ten years...?
Hundred years...?
I couldn't find the answer
Will I able to find the answer in future?
Or 
The answer doesn't even exists?
Am I qualified for being a human?
I have too many questions about this life
From whom should I seek the answer?
Humans life span
Some are short
Some are long
Some are in the middle
They are the same human being
Why are they do not live the same?
In the end
They are same but yet different

TIRED

I'm tired...

I don't even know what am I supposed to do

I'm so...so...so...tired

MY ANSWER

"I need to be stronger." 

I told myself

It's almost 1 year since I graduated from From 6

My time has stopped since then

I've calmed myself down and think for my dream and future

"Is my dream worth for me to protect?" 

I asked myself to think deeply about this question

I kept asking myself everyday

Until now

Finally I found the answer

Yes

My answer is yes

I want to do it

I just couldn't let go of it

No matter what I do

I just couldn't get rid of it

"Patissiere"

That's the only thing I want to be for the rest of my life

I have prepared for it

STOP MYSELF TO BELIEVE

I wish I know how to stop myself from believing somebody
Just like they said
"You may be deceived if you trust somebody too much."
Somehow,
I feel relieved when people don't trust me
Maybe it mixed with a bit sadness
But that's fine
Because I scared they will be disappointed
No matter what I do
I will end up to disappoint them
I rather not to do anything instead make them feel sad
Like this, I could protect their heart
But if I can be selfish for once more time
I wish they can believe in me just for this time
After that, they can choose not to believe in me ever again
I don't know whether miracle like this can happen in my life pr not
But I hope I can see it happened

*(Every time when I see the sky I feel peaceful, it feels like the sky almost take me with them. I really love that feeling.)*

DREAMS AND LIFE

I wonder how many times my tears fall for my dreams

I told myself before

My dreams are the most important things in my life

If I have given a choice between my life and my dreams

I would not hesitate to choose my dreams over my life

It is because I know that without my dreams I am nothing

I wish I can understand what lives mean

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand human at all

I don't even understand myself

"I don't regret being born."
Will I able to say it in future?

" Is it okay for me to keep living?"

DON'T BELIEVE IN SOMEONE EASILY

I shouldn't have believe in someone easily
I thought she is the only one
Who understands me well
But it looks like she doesn't believed in me
She just like everybody else
I feel like I shouldn't believe in someone
No matter what happened
Everything was fake
Even people who are nearest to you will betray you
I know I have no talent
No matter how much I want them to trust me
There is no use
From I was kid
No matter what I am doing
I still couldn't catch my sisters
I wonder why I am so diferent from them
This question had been in my head since I was in primary school
Until now I still haven't got the answer
I have tried a lot of things of my sisters doing
I tried to become like them so that my mom could treat me like the way she treats my sisters
I am such a failure
I know I shouldn't give them burdens anymore
I have tried to end my life
But I am so scared
I feel like if I gone now 
I would miss something big that would happens in my life
I don't know if that big thing is my dream
but the only thing I know is 
I shouldn't miss it
I know this is kind of made up story
But I really do feel this way
Every words shown are come from my true feelings
I am not good in expressing myself that's why my blog is the only place I can take my feelings out

EXISTENCE

Am I really an intruder?
Am I not needed?
Is it better if I don't exist in this world?
Will I able to make you happy if I disappear?
Then I rather be gone
I know that I am not needed 
Since I was a child
I realised that
No matter how good I am
No matter what am I doing
I just can't make you proud
Sorry for being such a bad child
I wish time my time could gone faster
So it will reach the end of life
But no matter how I pushed the time
It will never gone faster
So I have no choice to make you suffer for a bit longer

BRAVE

あたし、頑張りたい。

この夢だけ諦めたくない。

How should I tell them?

My words just can't come out

Everytime when I tried to be brave

At the end

I realised I am not brave enough

Maybe I am a coward

I hate this side of myself

I hope someone can teach me how to be brave

My dreams...

I don't want to let them go away from me

Even though I need to give up this life

I don't want to forget this dream

I wish I could be myself

Am I different from the other people?

I am grateful that I got my STPM failed

Because if I passed it

And manage to enter university

I'm sure

My future will be brighter

but...

Maybe I'm not longer in this world

I love this world

but my dreams way important

I feel like I don't have anything except Cody and my dreams

If I lost both of them

I just couldn't live

They are like my life force

CONTINUED

Looks like I have no choice
I got to make it come true by myself
Maybe its going to be hard
But at least my hard work will be paid off
See,
People always said that "Bitter first sweet later" (I am not sure if I write it correctly)
Some of my relatives asked me "Why don't you just enter polytechnic school or university? If you do that you won't have to face so much difficulty and also will have brighter future."
Well, I just answered them "I don't want." 
Because I know they won't understand even if I explained to them
Now,
Let me ask you guys a simple question
Would you marry someone you don't love and live the rest of your life with him/her?
Dream would be the same
Your dream decides your life 
You have to live the rest of your life with it too
Okay, maybe some of the people doesn't have any dream
That's why they don't understand that kind of feelings
I don't want to regret for giving up my dream
I have tried numerous times to forget my dream
But I really couldn't do it
When I see someone with my dream
My heart feels like burst out
I can't control myself to think of it
Once again 
I am here with my dream
This time I won't let it go
No matter what happened
I will definitely protect it
That's why I called it "Magical".
I just couldn't forget this magical
One day,
I want to be able say to them
"I LOVE MY DREAM SO MUCH AND I AM NOT REGRET FOR HAVING MY DREAM IN THIS LIFE"

MOTIVATION

Start from this moment

I am going to diet!

I want my body shape back

I swear I will get back my weight from the past

My weight is bothering me

I was slim back then 

but as time passes

My weight keeps increasing

I didn't realize that my body becomes bigger

I need to shrink it down 

I want to dress up pretty again

I want to be more confident

I want to lose my weight

I want to burn my fats away

I still have 202 days before Chinese New Year 2017

I am going to tough this time

I will only continue to study pastry course after I get my ideal weight

Motivation! keep by my side!

SOMEONE TO BELIEVE

Now I am 10000% believe in my dream

but I am so afraid

They will force me to forget this dream

I really don't know what my life would be without this dream

I am just an ordinary girl

I don't want to make things difficult

5 years

Its already 5 years since this dream stayed in my heart

I just can't get rid of it 

Before I entered Form 6

They said that I shouldn't take my hobby as a career

That time my heart was completely broken

I kept crying in silent after I heard what they said

I felt like something really important had gone

Then I ask myself 

"Is there any person that I can believe?"

I don't wish that they could understand me

I just need their believe

After that

I thought as the time passes

I could forget about this dream and nightmare

But in the end 

I couldn't

When I saw other people which have the same dream as mine

And they are able to chase after it

My heart once again felt the pain

I started to ask my heart again

"Why I couldn't chase after it!? Why I'm so useless!? Why I couldn't protect my own dream!? Why!? Why!? Why!?"

My heart screamed a lot back then

It feels like I shouldn't live in the world like this

This is not my life!

If only they could believe me

Everything will be perfect

Since that day

I just know that there is no person that I can believe

I'm all alone

Even now I couldn't believe in them

I couldn't tell them I want to keep my dream

I'm so afraid that my heart will lose it soul this time

FEELING, THINKING AND DOING

Life is treasure
The days we spent will be a part of our life
Including the people we met in our life
Some people will teach us to be strong
From this life 
A lot of human parts will be taught to us
That is how we become human
Feeling, thinking and doing
These kinds of things we have in our heart, mind and body
Maybe sometimes
Humans confused for having those things in their life
But I am sure
If they hear and feel their heart 
Their mind and body will know the answer 
Don't be afraid to trust your heart
Because your heart is near to you
It always knows what do you truly desire

I AM MY DREAM

I believe 

"My dream is who I am"

The reason for me being born into this world is 
Because of my dream
I want to keep believing that
Because for me
I only have that dream exists inside me
Before I realize it 
I was only an empty human
I keep asking myself why I was born into this world？
For what reason I keep living in this world?
Are there anything can I do?
I am not smart as my sisters
I am not good in study 
I am too naive
I am... nothing
I was totally lost my hope back then
I feel like I am just a burden 
I wish I could just disappear from this world
But...
When I was in Form 3
Something had changed
I feel like my hope has come back to me
I watched an anime about patissiere
And I saw a real patissier named Sadaharu Aoki
I remembered he said that he loves to see people smile when eating his sweets
That was the very first time
I fell in love with sweets
I swear I am going to be a patissiere just like him
A patissiere that can makes people put a smile on their face
It's just like a magic 
A magic which can make people feel the happiness
Thank you so much for being here in my life

VARIOUS OF FEELINGS

Since the day I was born into this world
I learned various feelings that exist in human's heart
Every time
When I look up to the sky
I feel so calm
My heart starts telling me
Thank god I was born into this world
I just love this world
No matter what happens 
I need to protect this world
because I love it so much
Thank you for let me through this life
I have learn a lot of things to be human
I also have feel a lot of feelings 
The feelings of happy, sadness, love, hate and many more 
These feelings are the prove for me being human
That's why I want to protect these feelings
So that it can proves that I once being human
Thank you for everything...

V's Day

Yesterday was V's day

I saw there was many couple celebrate it

Sometimes I wonder what if I got a bf

Will I go through the same happiness with them

Quite jealous when they getting V's present

It quite embarrassed to say that but I do feel like getting a bf

Well,

Maybe the time hasn't arrived

Let's wait for next year

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Home alone with Cody

That's how I celebrated V's day 

But I'm so grateful to be by his side

I couldn't imagine my life without him

I always prayed that he will be always by my side no matter what happened

I want to protect him no matter what

If there are any harmful things

Please let it happens to me

Don't touch him even a single fur

Simple . Difficult

Am I going to feel the pain again?
Somehow the pain has been used to me
Although its hurt...hurt..hurt...hurt...
Having a dream which is doesn't recognize by someone is tired
It feels like a burden on my shoulder
I wish I could do whatever I want
I also want to be like someone else out there
Study the course they like
Be what they want to be
It sounds so simple
But for me 
Difficult
Everyday I think about this
I could not stop thinking
When I want to stop
It just appeared in my mind 
I couldn't forget about it
I asked myself
What if I just let go of this dream?
When I do
My heart couldn't accept it
It felt even worse
I want to continue my dream 
I must to do it
If not 
I will regret forever until I die

FEEL, WISH, HOPE

I have said before that I care of people around me
When they are sad, sick, or anything cause them to be in pain
I will definitely ask myself
Why not me the one who in pain?
I can't see people around me sad
When I see
I hope that I can feel of what they feel
That's why 
Everytime I prayed that I could "go" first before them
Because it is too pain to see my family sad
I really care of them
People might think I'm crazy when they read this
But,
It's okay
As long they happy 
I treasure them more than anything
I don't want any of them leave me
If they leave me
I will be the saddest person in the world
I want to protect them
But I just don't know how
I want them to stay with me forever
But ours time have limit
I had went through the feeling of losing 
That's why I don't want to feel the feeling anymore
When I lose something that important in my life
My heart will feel the strongest pain ever
My tears will be hard to stop
But when it stops
Once again,
It will flows non stop
Can I be the first person who waiting at "there"?
I have said this sentence many many times
Because
This is my wish
No matter how long the time passed
My wish will still be the same

2016

2016
A new year
I am wondering what will happen in this year
Will it be a good thing or bad 
2015 has passed
2016 has arrived
This year will be a better life
In this 2016 
I found myself getting stronger
I believe my life will be getting better
2015's story has finished
A new story begins
A new me should be created
I need to make a change in myself
I want to keep living in this world
Until my time has comes to limit
I want to see this world turns more beautiful
I will stay until I see you
I promise...